I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
