we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
