I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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