Four minutes until I can fart!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
