Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
