Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
then he tried to convert me to islam
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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