Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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