i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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