Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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