I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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