Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
