My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
