i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
