Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Omg I joined a choir last night...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
