is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
