Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
