VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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