So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize