I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
