Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
