Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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