I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
