If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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