i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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