it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
