just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize