I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
