The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
