they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
