When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
