Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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