how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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