so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
