hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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