I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You dont lie about slip and slides
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
