I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
