I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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