I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
