I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
