TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
