i think my tv is drunk
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
