promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
