before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
