So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
