just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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