i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
