i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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