Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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