The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
