3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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