Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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