It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
