I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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