She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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