My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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