god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
